As someone who is known to fiercely proclaim the idea of autonomy, non-entanglement, and organic relationship building, this is going to be a confession that is hard to admit to. I contemplated if I should even make this post. I feared:
Would my partners think I’m unhappy with what we have?
Would it seem like I’m a hypocrite as an RA/SoPo minded individual to admit any of this?
Regardless, it’s important to get out there. I’ll take that chance because maybe someone else may feel the same confliction.
You see, I never thought I wanted a nested home life after my marriage ended until I met someone who challenged many parts of me. Parts I believed to be so true to what I thought I wanted. The irony was that I now wanted that very thing that I didn’t think I wanted before, and it was because of someone it wasn’t possible to have it with.
So, after this realization and longing came to the surface, it also brought with it further observations that never dawned on me on their gravity.
As a SoPo, it can feel like:
I’m the one whose partners “vacation” from their lives to come see me, have a whirlwind of a time, then say goodbye until next time.
I’m the one who doesn’t want to rock any boats because time and space is valuable, and sparse.
I’m the one that won’t get asked about at family functions, because, I’m not seen as “family”
I’m the one who is visited. The one left behind.
It’s not “See you later” , it’s “Until next time”.
I’m sure nesting partners out there could give a list too and I recognize where it would come from given I was a nesting polyam partner in my life before. I know what that felt like.
Thing is – those daily quirks, believe it or not – that’s a privilege. You get to be the full authentic self. People get to see you for everything that makes up who you are.
Sure, if I’m feeling down, I lean into my partners and my friends and they are very supportive. There is , though, something to be said for that moment where you walk into your safe space and there could be a hug waiting for you as you need to melt. There is something reassuring about that peace as you drift to sleep with someone close by. Unexpected. Unscheduled. Because the space is home. To more than just yourself.
Sigh. Sometimes, I miss feeling that I had help and that everything didn’t need to fall on me. I miss cultivating a space with diversity and not just my own perspective. I miss not just being a date night. I don’t want the excitement just be about the fun but the eagerness to be present through the tears, the exhaustion, the mistakes I’m bound to make.
I recognize there are elements of envy that exists when I see what my nested partners have. I’m not their home. They are just visiting. And then, they leave. But I’m still here , alone.
Yet, I am far from lonely. My heart is full. I know that I am loved.
I wouldn’t love any other way. Loving fully, openly, and without borders is who I am.
I’m conflicted because I know about non-attachment to outcome. It makes sense to me and I talk about it all the time. I feel frustrated at these feelings because I don’t want them to invalidate the beauty of what I do have. So add to the bouts of sadness, sprinkles of guilt along with it and you have a recipe of feeling down right torn.
So, what can I do?
First, I am letting them have their space. I’m writing this all out for the universe as well. It needs to get out of my head. This post, is trying to achieve that.
Second, it’s coming to terms that the price of admission as a SoPo leaning person who loves people who are nested, is “just visiting”.
For many SoPos, that’s just fine and if you would have asked me months ago, I would have said it was just fine. But there has been a part of me awakened that I can’t deny and makes me wonder, if it had always been there under the surface; hidden under my own convincing over years that it was who I was.
Someday maybe there will be an opportunity to have that. Having that hello/goodbye kiss and hug each day. Seeing me at my best – and worst. Not just a visitor, but a shared place to call home.
In the meantime, I know I feel blessed that those I love experience that for themselves with their nested partnerships and I am honoured that they do want to share their time and love with me when they can. I appreciate what is there, what is available.
This is a new stage for me, a new realization so with that will take some work and I got this.