This is a public service announcement to those whom I have yet to open my heart to, let my guard down, and get all gushy with. Ready for it???
I’m not easy to love.
Nope. Not at all. You have been forewarned. Run away if you have to. I get it.
If you are still here, why don’t I tell you more.
Think of ………..cats.
Cats are creatures that are fiercely independent and badass. They play by their own rules, live life on their terms and know how to tell you (usually with nails and/or teeth) what their boundaries are if you exceed the maximum allowable strokes.
However, even though they have this level of independence that is ferocious, they still want to be around you. They melt your heart when the choose to cuddle with you. You can’t help but smile when they meow to be near you.
Even when they knock shit off of tables, you still LOVE them precisely for who they are. Not what they do for you.
This isn’t easy. I’m sure I’ll get eye brows raised from fellow kitty owners about it not being easy but when you are trying to get an essay out and Mr. Wiggles decides to plop on your laptop inconveniently, you are immediately torn between love and irritability.
Sometimes they won’t want to be pet. Sometimes they will need some space. That’s still a part of their wonder and joy.
How does this relate to what loving me is like?
Being a relationship anarchist and solo polyamorist (SoPo) means that I live my life on my own terms, and hold fast onto my values regarding autonomy. While I’m not looking for relationships that prescribe to the relationship escalator or hierarchical configurations, there is so much room for meaningful connections outside of the socially accepted narrative.
Much like our furry companions, I am independent, enjoy my own space and am all about the boundaries and asserting them (Admittedly, as a recovering people pleaser, I’m trying to get better at that!).
But I also love to lean into you, let my guard down, and like a cat exposing its belly – being vulnerable and open. I love being touched, affectionate, understood, comforted and SNUGGLED!
I love exploring, being silly, and playful. I love being open to possibilities and try to be fluid with whatever comes along.
Doesn’t sound like that would be considered – hard?
Stay with me…..
I’m not easy to love because loving me means that you are loving someone that doesn’t need you yet chooses to connect with you.
I’m not easy to love because loving me means that you won’t be my one and only. You won’t be my complete best/friend/soul mate/lover package. Loving me means understanding that you are special to me because of who you are, not because of a role in my life.
I’m not easy to love because I will challenge you and dig deep. And hope you will do the same.
I’m not easy to love because I refuse to be someone who is your personal polyamorous teacher. I won’t be your personal therapist. However, I will listen, comfort and be present.
I’m not easy to love because I believe in mutual enthusiasm and consideration. I won’t be the only one showing up.
I’m not easy to love because “I know I’m Superwoman, I known I’m strong. I know I got this cause I had it all along”
Essentially……(sorry , had to…..)
Thanks Kelly C. My anthem.
As a solo person, it’s easy to ghost me. Forget me. Fade me out. Reach out only when it suits or when you want something from me. Many times, it’s wanting access to my body under the guise of spending time together.
SoPo people are so often those who are seen as relationships of convenience and are easily discarded when it’s too ….hard.
So, if you want to love me – bring it on. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.